Chapter 112 Lost Forever
FC with Daniel, June 2009
(Translated from Hebrew).
It all started with a very sad letter I received - I just wanted to try and help another Jew, to prevent him from falling into the hands of the Yetzer Hara, and somewhere along the way, the thoughts started rolling around in my head, relevant memories, and eventually I decided I would add another chapter and hoped that by doing so I could help some more Jews...
So, altogether there are eight parts to this chapter: a letter about a problem, Daniel's reaction, a few memories, and a summarizing communication with Daniel.
Less than a month ago I received a letter from a desperate Jew: "Save me before I break up a home." There was a phone number and I could not just ignore such a plea so I called the man.
He told me that he is charedi, married for several years and that his wife humiliates him and shows him contempt and he can't take it anymore. They made an appointment to go to the Rabbinate in a couple of weeks to get a divorce. He spoke to several Rabbis and is now determined to get a divorce.
In an FC with Daniel, he said:
"Pay attention and you will see that only in this generation men get divorced because of having a mean and difficult wife. Today's generation is selfish. She is obviously his zivug (match). A difficult, mean wife is an entry ticket to the Olam Haba (World to Come). If a person is a Yarei Shamayim (has fear of Heaven), he will suffer above and beyond and still accept the suffering with love. This brings him into Gan Eden.
I got a phone call from a friend of mine who lives in Bnei Brak, Charedi, and among other things he told me that two of his children are in jail, lo aleinu, the street got to them... I once heard that the parents did not give the children enough attention and mistreated them...
I remembered an old tale about a tzaddik who went to the doctor with his wife who had terrible pain in her leg and the tzaddik said, "Doctor, our leg hurts us." Notice, he said "us".
Here is an excerpt taken from chapter 109 on the site, "The Golden Calf has been crowned":
Like at the beginning of time, the snake appears every generation disguised as something else each time and tries to bring the woman down and through the woman the husband and the entire sacred Jewish family.
Various excerpts taken from previous FC sessions:
"We were sent (all of us) to this world in order to rectify [past sins] and reach shleimus (completeness)."
"Suffering is the entry ticket to the Olam Haba."
"We (the autistics) came to the world to set the confused people back on the right track."
I watched a film on the internet about a Charedi convert, in his previous gilgul (reincarnation) during the time of the holocaust he got angry with Hashem and was a bad influence on others and therefore it was decreed in Shamayim that he would return to the world as a gentile. His wife, who was righteous, was given permission to enter Gan Eden, but in order to complete her husband she was given the opportunity to be reincarnated in this world. She came, got him to convert and married him.
To summarize, I think there is something to be learned here about the importance of the kedusha (holiness) in a Jewish home and the value of the strong and pure relationship between a husband and a wife for the purpose of rectifying and reaching shleimus.
The yetzer hara comes and gives people a hard time with all sorts of bizarre troubles from here to the end time, putting people into a depression to the point where they forget their whole purpose in this world. They forget themselves; don't build a good and healthy relationship with their wife and children and traet all those around them like a sour pickle.
In order to fight the yetzer hara, beat it and reach shleimus, we must clean our homes out of all the junk - everything that does not belong and instate kedusha, purity, Torah and love. When was the last time...
I read Daniel this chapter and he added the following (in FC):
The Shomer Emunim was a very great Jew and he demanded tznius (modesty) form his whole community. Among everything else he demanded that the women wear thick black stockings / socks. One of his Chassidim passed by and the Shomer Emunim said, "Nu, is your wife wearing black stockings? The chassid answered, "She refuses to. What can I do?"
The Rebbe said, "Fine. Leave our chassidus, you do not belong." So the chassid replied, "No, Rebbe, I need a Rebbe. I don't need a wife like I need a Rebbe. I will divorce her." The Shomer Emunim then said, "You have done your job. Now go home and she will put on black stockings."
The chassid went home and even before he arrived, his wife ran up to him and said, "Here, I have bought black stockings and I am going to start wearing them."
What do I want to say by this?
The main point in this whole story is if you want a home of peace and serenity, you need a home of kedusha. That is the only thing that brings shlom bayis (peace in the home). A home that is devoid of kedusha brings separation, anger and fighting.
There were very great tzaddikim who had difficult wives, but the wives were righteous.
Why were they so difficult? Hashem wanted it that way. It was their tijkkun (rectification) to have a difficult wife. Yet the tzaddikim remained with their wives because they built them a home of kedusha. They loved their wives because they were holy.
All the things a man does for his wife like telling her, "I love you," etc. are things a husband is supposed to do for his wife but that does not make shlom bayis. The shlom bayis comes from kedusha, purity and modesty, and a Jew who runs away from kedusha has no peace - not with his wife, not with Hakadosh Baruch Hu, not with anyone. He is always a stressed out, pitiable man.
In our world, the influences of the goyim (gentiles) and secular Jews around us distort and break all the boundaries Hashem has given us, particularly in kedusha and purity. Some of these Jews, even the most charedim, have also started breaking through these boundaries, Hashem have mercy.
In such a world, if a person does not hold tightly to kedusha and purity, he is lost forever.
[Translator's note: I highly recommend every man who wants shlom bayis to read the book, "In the Garden of Peace" by Rabbi Shalom Arush. It has saved many marriages.]